When I graduated, I was able to feel good about myself for the first time in my life…

My name is Henry, and I am a person in recovery from addiction. Thank you for this opportunity to share some of my experience, strength and hope. I cannot pretend to remember all of the events leading to my dependence. I do, however, firmly believe my disease was based in fear and fortunately with the help of a wonderful therapist, we were able to identify my triggers that stemmed from issues as young nine-year-old.

Alcohol dependence was very common in both my mother and father’s families. I don’t remember my first drink, but I do recall my first drunk. I was 11 years old. Some kids and I got our hands on bottles of Brookside wine. I can remember thinking to myself, “I will know how it feels to be drunk if I drink all of this” and I did. My first drunk was the same in many ways as my last. The one big thing that changed over time was I felt in my mind the alcohol was alleviating my fear with joy and happiness. Alcohol slowly took over every aspect of my life. I had many, many unsuccessful attempts at recovery. Although alcohol was my first dependence, drugs were also a big part of my struggle.

I struggled in and out of recovery for 29 years. Always wanting what I saw in others who were sober, with peace in their eyes and that is what kept me coming back throughout the years. I was notorious with law enforcement in the Bangor area and did many stays in the County Jail. Looking back, with help from professionals, I see that my problems were all me. I was not capable of being honest with others. God knows I liked giving others a piece of my mind, not caring who I hurt. I couldn’t look at myself objectively.

I was introduced to my first AA meeting at age 21. My girlfriend at that time went to AA meetings occasionally. The only reason I attended a meeting with her is because I did not trust her and thought in my mind she was only going there to hook up with other men. I did that a lot. Anyway, I don’t remember much of what was said at that meeting but, as they say in the big book, the seed had been planted and I knew I was in trouble and my life was changed from that day on.

In 2008, I pulled a gas line off the side of the building from a business in Bangor while I was lighting a cigarette and it ended up igniting the building. I blacked out. I woke up in jail facing a 30-year sentence. By the grace of God, the arson charge was reduced, and I served one year out of the five years and left with two years of probation. I drank the night before I had my first visit with my PO and he knew it. Needless to say, he strongly suggested a long-term recovery residence and that’s how I ended up finding Wellspring. I felt desperate. I did not want to go back to jail for four more years. Wellspring helped me start to come to terms with many of my shortcomings. I will forever be deeply appreciative to Wellspring, the staff, and the director at the time, Bruce Campbell.

When I graduated, I was able to feel good about myself for the first time in my life. I had started and graduated something worthy of praise. I felt healthy and had pride, and it felt really great! I went to meetings all the time. I worked with other addicts. One thing that still haunted me, was I was still unable to be completely honest with myself, the fear was still there. Deep inside I was still afraid. My disease told me I should never share it.

Around three years of sobriety, the meetings began to drop off and, before I knew it, my old ways of thinking came rushing back. I made a wrong decision and ended up choosing alcohol. During this time for about three years, I was introduced to a life altering therapist name Cindy. Cindy was able to establish trust with me. I owe much of my understanding of the how and why of my disease to her.

Through constant vigilance practicing the principles I learned in recovery, the 12 steps, spiritual principles, therapy, and the help of Wellspring, I am thrilled to say I am now
7-1/2 years sober. I have been able to face the loss of my mother and many other difficult times without a drink or drugs. I am also now employed at Wellspring at the Detox Center, and I know I am valued by my co-workers and management. I am truly a new man because of my recovery and the people in recovery who never stopped loving me and believing in me.

To whoever reads this, if you are struggling with addiction, please know that you are not alone. There is no shame in asking for help. We will love you until you can love yourself. A very grateful addict, Henry.